


Finding Courage

by Ardin



Category: Smash (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 22:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11609799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ardin/pseuds/Ardin
Summary: Set during "Bells and Whistles". What if Jimmy had mentioned something else that got in the way of love during his conversation with Derek? Spurred on by the conversation, Derek finds the nerve to tell Karen how he feels about her as he walks her home from the club.





	Finding Courage

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a very small dialogue addition for Bells and Whistles.

“So your show’s not about scenery or props or costumes. So what is it about?”

“Two people falling in love. And what gets in the way of that.”

“And what gets in the way of love is…?”

“Other people, in my experience. Or the people themselves.”

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The conversation had been repeating itself in Derek’s mind for more than a day. Jimmy’s words about how two people in love can get in the way of that love. He had tried at the time not to show how much the words had hit him, but since that moment, it was the only thing he could think of. Even as he choreographed Jimmy’s vision of the song, as he went through the other motions of directing, he could hear them in the back of his mind.

For more than a year, he had been trying desperately to deny, ignore, or let go of the ever growing feelings that he had for Karen Cartwright. It had started simply enough. Fascination with the one woman who had not turned up at the auditions dressed as Marilyn and awe at the amazing voice she possessed. That fascination had been joined by lust when she’d come out of his bathroom wearing his shirt, when she’d straddled him on his couch, and when she had walked away.

As the months of early rehearsals went by, he had told himself that the time he spent with her, the times he singled her out to show a dance move to, the conversations he pulled her into had nothing to do with the steady affection that was building on top of that early fascination. He justified everything by telling himself it wasn’t actually about her, but about the chase. About getting her to give in as she hadn’t done that night on his couch.

But the more time that went by, the less he could continue lying to himself. By the night that she found out that Dev had cheated on her with Ivy, Derek had acknowledged that his feelings for Karen were more than anything he’d ever felt before. He’d also realized that he was probably the worst person in the world for her. He was not a man that had illusions about himself: he was generally a mean, selfish bastard with a mountain sized chip on his shoulder and he showed himself to the world as nothing but ego and attitude. What could he possibly bring to the table for a woman like Karen that wouldn’t end up just hurting her in the end?

When he found her that night behind the clothing stack, wig gone, Marilyn dress gone, just Karen in every way possible, he had wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, hold on tight and promise her that he would do everything in his power to keep the world from hurting her again. But he kept himself from that, instead telling her what he had been telling himself for 20 years: put the pain and hurt into the work, focus on the art and let everything else slide away. And when she told him that he could say that only because he didn’t understand love, his mind had screamed “NOT TRUE”. It was the first time that he had acknowledged that he was in love with her. That it wasn’t just lust or affection or any of the other words he’d used to throw off the significance of how he felt. 

He was in love with Karen Cartwright. In love in the way every poet and playwright through the history of humanity had tried to articulate. And while he couldn’t tell her that - couldn’t risk all the hurt that he knew he was likely to bring her if he did - he also couldn’t stop himself, as he zipped up her dress backstage, from disputing her claim that he didn’t understand love.

But everyday since had made it harder not to tell her; not to see if there was any chance that she could feel the same. As they worked together on Hit List and he saw the renewal of the passion that had been systematically beaten back by her fellow cast and crew - himself included - during the year of Bombshell. As he’d started to see her as a collaborator and contributor rather than just an actor. And certainly, as she had walked away from Bombshell and towards Hit List and him.

Over the last 24 hours, with Jimmy’s words ringing through his consciousness, he’d had to acknowledge that he had become an obstacle to his own love, to his own happiness. It was his own fault that Karen and Jimmy were becoming closer, despite his jealous attempt to warn the boy away from her. It was his own fault that she didn’t know how very much he felt for her. If he just told her... Maybe it wouldn’t change anything. Maybe every look from her that he had read as interest or attraction wasn’t. Maybe the times when she seemed to seek out his company really were just about the work, the art. 

On the other hand, maybe it would change everything. If he could just stop being such a coward. And as that seemed to be the theme of the night…

There were very few things about theater that surprised him anymore, but Ana’s performance at the bar had certainly done exactly that. He had been shocked when she stepped up to the band’s microphone and called him out. And he’d been nothing by impressed by what followed. Not just by the song, or the dance, or the sexy, but by the courage that it must have taken to even try. That, more than anything, had convinced him that she would work in the Diva role. More than work, she would likely blow it all away.

The problem with being confronted with someone else’s courage and of acknowledging it as a strength, was that it tended to sharply highlight one’s own cowardice. And, just as he’d been unable to shake Jimmy’s words, he had also been unable to shake the mild shame he felt at just how much of a coward he had been when it came to his feelings for Karen.

He had reached his breaking point, he realized as he walk towards her and Jimmy at the club, had given up keeping himself away from the one thing in the world that might have the power to make him happy. He had known that he was going to be interrupting something and had not cared in the slightest, finally done pretending that his problem with her interactions with the younger man were anything other than a jealous desire to have her to himself. He’d been ecstatic - though he’d hidden it well - when she’d responded to his offer of drinks with a request that he walk her home. And he’d felt a huge swell of pride when Jimmy had been obviously unhappy at the turn of events.

The half mile walk to her door had been a refreshing change of pace from their standard of theater/work conversations. They spent most of the walk chatting and laughing about the comedic disaster that had been the performance of Liaisons they’d witnessed just a few days earlier and with each step Derek’s resolve to tell her how he felt was strengthened. 

As they quietly, meandered slowly down the last block to her apartment, he tried to find the exact words to use to tell her how he felt. He didn’t want any misunderstanding or confusion, but he was no good at the words part. It’s one of the reasons he was a director, not a writer: he could find the emotion, motivation and meaning in words already written, but to find the words themselves? That he wasn’t very good at. He was still struggling to find something, anything, to say when she spoke.

“Thanks for walking me home.” She smiled affectionately at him, “I can take it from here.”

“You sure? Don’t need an escort upstairs?” He was mentally slapping himself even as she laughed at his comment. Why was lecherous banter his first course of action in every conversation? Why, even when he’d spent the last 15 minutes knowing he was going to be real with her tonight, did he have to always come off sounding like, well, himself. He tried to make up for it as he continued, consciously pulling the sarcasm and lust out of his voice and replacing it with the affection he felt for her each day.

“We could get another drink.” His voice was soft, his smile gentle, as he gestured back the way they’d come, “I know a spot on the corner.”

Her surprise at his tone was obvious and he found himself praying to a God he’d never believed in that she would say yes. Anything to spend more time with her, to have more time to figure out how to say what he had promised himself he would say.

“I have an early rehearsal tomorrow.” His heart fell even as a small smile spread across his face at her attempts to fix the shoulder of his jacket while she spoke, “And the director is a control freak.”

His smile grew for a moment as he nodded acknowledgement of that descriptor, but disappeared when he realized that he was running out of this opportunity. He still didn’t know what to say and as he watched her face he could feel her slipping away. Just as he was about to give up and let her go, he saw her eyes dart down to his lips and a wistful hope play across her features. His heart jumped as he realized that maybe he wasn’t alone in this.

Without another thought to words, right or otherwise, he leaned slowly towards her, giving her every opportunity to stop him, his eyes focused on her lips right up to the moment when he laid his own against them. He kept the kiss short, but firm, wanting to remove any thought that this was just friendly. He waited until he felt her begin to respond and then pulled back. Desperate as he was to feel her completely, he also wanted to leave no doubt in her mind of what this was. He knew the reputation he had - a well earned one, if he was honest with himself - and that she had been present for far too much of that reputation at work over the last year.

He wanted to be sure that she understood. That she knew before anything more happened that this wasn't just about sex. This wasn't like it had been with Ivy or Rebecca. That she was different. More. That she was important to him at a level that he was still trying to fully comprehend.

He watched her face while he tried, once again, to find the right words to explain to her. At first her expression had fallen in disappointment at his pulling away, but that didn’t last long and he was surprised when a small gentle smile bent her lips. So many people over the last year had noted the connection between them, that they knew what the other was thinking without words. In that moment, like so many times before, he knew that she understood what he needed her to know, that she knew - maybe had known long before he had - how completely he had fallen for her.

A small grin appeared on his face to match hers as he realized he didn't need to find the rights words. Or really any words at all. And it widened when her hand rose between them to gently grip the lapel of his jacket and tug him towards her.

Following her silent direction, he stepped into her, his hands rising to her waist as their lips connected once more. Again the kiss was gentle - nothing like the hard, demanding kisses that usually marked his interactions with women - their lips coming together with slow, heady intent.

Derek had never before believed in the idea that a single person’s touch could send sparks through another. In fact, he’d always found the idea to be patently ridiculous. But standing on the street in front of Karen’s apartment he was being proved very wrong. It felt like every nerve in his body had been simultaneously switched on as her hand on his lapel gripped tighter and her other snaked up behind his neck, her fingers burying themselves in the short hair at his nape as she opened her mouth and ran her tongue over his closed lips. He responded with a groan, opening happily to her exploration, as he moved his hands from her waist to wrap around her back and pull her fully against him.

It felt like both seconds and hours before they pulled apart again. Her breaths matching his own uneven ones as they put just enough distance between them to look one another in the eye. The were silent for a long moment, long enough that he began to worry despite how intently she’d responded to his kiss. She must have seen the concern on his features because she smiled affectionately at him as she raised her hand from his jacket to his face, gently stroking his cheek, before rising on her toes to place a quick brief kiss against his lips and pulling back, her hands both dropping to his chest. He was about to speak, when she beat him to it.

“About that escort upstairs…” She grinned widely at him.

He hummed out his agreement before pulling her back against him, his head ducking as he met her for another open mouthed kiss, their tongues tangling together for long moments before they pulled apart. He smiled broadly at her as he responded.

“Well, that would be the gentlemanly thing to do, now wouldn’t it?”

Her throaty laugh filled the night air around them - God, he loved that sound - and then she was stepping away from him, her right hand dropping down to lace fingers with his left. She began to turn towards the building, but he stopped her with a light tug on their joined hands. She turned back, her face a mask of caution and confusion. Rushing to dispel the worry he saw creeping into her expression, he spoke.

“Karen, this isn’t just about sex. You know that, right? You…” He trailed off, searching for the words. A voice in the back of his mind screamed at him that he knew the words and just needed to stop being a coward about saying them. He tried again, his hand reaching out to stroke a strand of hair off her face, tucking it behind her ear as he continued, “You are so much more than just sex to me. I’m in love with you.”

In the brief silence that followed his words, trepidation began to fill him. Maybe he’d said the words too soon, maybe that wasn’t what she wanted. It was dispelled just as quickly as it had come when a huge smile lit up her face, her hand tightening around his as she stepped back against him. She placed a gentle kiss on his lips before speaking.

“Good. I’d hate to think I was alone in that.” She kissed him again, deeper, but still brief, and he groaned when she pulled away again. “I love you, too, Derek. Now come inside?”

Raising their joined hands to his massively smiling mouth, he laid a kiss across her knuckles before nodding. Her smile matched his own and this time, when she turned toward the door, he was right beside her as they climbed the stairs and went inside.

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‘What kind of an idiot are you?’

The voice inside Jimmy’s head seemed to be on a continuous loop as he jogged towards Karen’s apartment. And he was an idiot, he acknowledged to himself as he slowed to round the last corner at a walk, wanting to catch his breath during the final two blocks. He was the kind of idiot who was so scared of even the tiniest hint of commitment or connection that when the woman he was falling for asked him for the simple truth of how he felt, all he could do was stare at her.

He just hoped that he hadn’t blown his chance. It had certainly felt like a door slamming shut on him when Karen had so willingly headed out of the club with Derek. And he wasn’t blind to how she felt about the Director. She might have reservations about a relationship with Derek, ones big enough to give whatever she felt for himself a chance, but the feelings were definitely there.

It had only been a few minutes after Karen and Derek had headed out before Jimmy realized that he had just blown what might have been his last chance with her. If his complete lack of response to her question drove her to finally give into her feelings for the Brit, Jimmy wasn’t sure how he’d forgive himself. Earlier today, he’d had the edge over the director when it came to the beautiful brunette. Now, one moment of cowardice later, and he wasn’t so sure.

When he’d realized what his silence might mean in the long run, he had bolted out of the club, his legs pumping under him as he started covering the distance to Karen’s. He’d been forced to slow down after just a block or two, not used to running and badly out of shape for the activity, but even alternating between walking and jogging, he was sure that he couldn’t be more than a couple moments behind the pair. Maybe he’d even catch up before they got to her place. Though given he only had another block to go, that seemed unlikely.

As he walked, he tried to decide what he would say or do when he did see her. First, he’d have to find a way to convince her to let him into the apartment. And then what? Should he just kiss her? Try to explain how he felt? He didn’t know. And just as he decided that he would wing it as he went along - not really the best plan, he knew, but the only one he had - he spotted the pair standing at Karen’s stoop.

His steps slowed unconsciously as he watched them interact, trying to gauge the mood of the encounter. They were just standing there, not talking, a respectable distance between them. He couldn’t read the emotions on their faces from where he stood, but he could see neither was smiling. His heart leapt. Maybe they’d had a fight? Maybe his screw up earlier hadn’t been as big of an issue as he’d expected.

And then, in an instant, any hope he’d been feeling was ripped away as he saw a smile appear on Karen’s face. His feet stopped moving and he came to an abrupt halt, still about 40 feet from the pair, as her smile was immediately answered by one spreading across Derek’s face as well. And then her hand was reaching up to his jacket and pulling him towards her, the director responding quickly, his hands rising to grip her waist as he stepped into her, their mouths meeting in an intense looking kiss.

Jimmy tried to force himself to turn away. He didn’t want to see this. Didn’t want to watch Karen’s hand snake up to Derek’s neck or the kiss deepening as Derek pulled her fully against him. But he couldn’t seem to look away from the woman he wanted kissing another man.

A million thoughts raced through his mind as he stood frozen in place:

‘Say something, interrupt them!’

‘This is why you should never let people in. Run away!’

‘Don’t just stand here! Do something!’

When the kiss finally ended, Jimmy once again tried to turn away or move forward or do anything, but he was stopped as he watched Karen raise her hand from Derek’s chest to caress his cheek and then kiss him briefly. The two spoke for a moment, exchanged a few more kisses, but Jimmy was no longer really seeing any of the detail. All he could process in that moment was the realization that this - whatever was happening between the two of them - was obviously brand new and that it was likely his own damn fault that it was happening at all. If he had just told her at the club…

His eyes came back into focus as movement in front of him caught his attention and his heart fell even further than it already had as he watched the pair climb the stairs together, hands clasped as they stepped into the building. The noise of the door closing behind them was the cue Jimmy apparently needed to final move.

With one last heartbreaking glance upwards, he turned around and headed back the way he’d come.


End file.
